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this one's on me

by dr. feelokay

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1.
I been looking for the easy way out I been trying to find a different route I been searching for the truth Lately I’m trying to distract myself Making jokes poking fun at my mental health And I been asking where’s my noose If you think I’ll stop joking about death Well you better hold your breath And hold it in till you are dead I’m always looking for a cheap laugh So I can forget just how sad I am and how bad this could get I just wanna know Can someone diagnose me Is this a disease Is something wrong with me Fuck nature running its course I wanna be reassured Tell me honestly Is something wrong with me I bought a comfy mattress to snooze Still spend my nights in the living room Cause I find no comfort in my bed I find comfort in just a few things Like music my friends and booze And the idea of a permanent end
2.
Runaway, I always runaway I search for any place Where I can get away If just for a moment
Then I can lose focus And keep all my judgements at bay I resonate in several different ways And all of my escapes Have become quite mundane And every distraction Is a chore or a task That I do not want to obey What did I get done today? Absolutely nothing, I accomplished nothing What did I get done today? I hope that something will change Some day, yeah some day hey Runaway, I always runaway Sometimes my getaway Is satisfied just by staying Home all alone waiting for a phone call Or just playing video games I make commitments that I can’t commit to Will I ever grow old like im supposed to One day, yeah one day What did I get done today? Absolutely nothing, I accomplished nothing What did I get done today? I hope that something will change Some day, yeah some day I will find a source of motivation But I’ll find a sort of complication
Any excuse I can use I will use it To prove to myself that I’m not as useless As I thought, its not my fault I’ve got so much to do and I swear that I’ll do it Just give me a moment and I will get to it But I’ll hesitate and search for any way That I can possibly find to delay Now it’s getting late I’ve done nothings so far so I’ll do it tomorrow I slept in way too late
(Tomorrow never comes) I don’t feel great today (Tomorrow never comes) I’ve got so much to do (Tomorrow never comes) But I’l get to it soon (Tomorrow never comes) (Tomorrow never comes)
3.
Taking up hobbies and completing tasks That are impossible to do Reaching for stars and bottling wind And trying to forget about you Feels like I’m searching forever Never give up never quit, oh never mind I’ll never find someone like you So far but you feel so close behind Turn around to find your gone for good this time When you close your eyes do you think of me no? Hunting for ghosts on Halloween Is not as fun as I thought it would be C’mon hunting? More like waiting For something to fall over and scare me Feels like I’m searching forever Never give up never quit, oh never mind I’ll never find someone like you So far but you feel so close behind Turn around to find your gone for good this time When you close your eyes do you think of me I don’t care for anyone, but me (Push down the weight of self doubt and) Searching for a way to raise my self esteem (It was hard to find but I found it) I am not for anyone, but you are for me I still got a long way to go Feels like I’m searching forever Never give up never quit, oh never mind I’ll never find someone like you So far but you feel so close behind Turn around to find your gone for good this time When you close your eyes do you think of me I love the feeling of finding a forgotten song
I spend my days longing for something that’s long gone I spend my nights reminiscing, missing the past How come the best moments never seem to last x2
4.
The rubber on the soles of my sneakers are fading From pacing around for hours I’m anxious and scared of god knows what I’m aware I’m a fucking coward I know if I try I can get what I want Too bad I don’t know what that is With absolute certainty I am sure That I am a piece of shit I’m a disgrace, I’m a failure, a fuckup, a bum I destroy everything I touch I fucking hate myself man but I love to love And I think that I love too much I’m sick of praying to god I minded my manners And no one answered me I kept my sinning to a minimum Yet oblivion’s still out of reach Thinking of quitting my job Waving my banner A white flag meant for peace But does consonance mean that I’m giving up And does giving up mean I’m weak Not sure if this is the right way Not sure of anything I could be heading in the wrong direction And there’s no one here to stop me No self control, unloyal Don’t you think I know Fucked things up But I did it all on my own It’s all my fault I’m well aware “My way or the highway” Now my van is flipped Put on display Most visited exhibit Nothing better to do but stop and stare I felt at home with you I felt at war with my self Now all my thoughts became so cynical Now all I have to do To get by is survive another night But even that became so difficult Yeah yeah yeah right I know I know I got a long long way to go Before things ever go back to normal I felt at home with you I kept my eyes low But I lost all sight of hope.
5.
I’m so sick of traditions I’m sick of using them as an excuse I’m so sick of nostalgia, sick of the power In “That’s just what I’m used to.” I’m sick of remakes and redos A quick rewind and let’s retry I’m so sick of tomorrow, catastrophic debacles And “I’ll do better next time.” You can try and try again You can fail and never learn Destined to repeat until “defeated” becomes “vanquished” You say “don’t get yourself down” But then how will I grow out Of this somber seed, enlightened I will flourish I don’t care about the old days I don’t care about your fractured past I am not breaking my back For your balancing act I will never give a second chance I won’t even give a passing glance To someone stuck so far behind Yeah no more second tries this time
6.
I’m either binge watching television or Cringing at something I did Back when I was like 14-15 When I was still young and naive I know that maybe I still am I thought that maybe this would end By the time that I was fully grown Will I ever feel comfortable being alone I just wanna know Can someone diagnose me Is this a disease Is something wrong with me Fuck “nature running it’s course” I just wanna be reassured Tell me honestly Is something wrong with me

credits

released October 30, 2020

Album Photo: Angelotakesphotos (Instagram)
All Lyrics by Shawn Wiseley
Guitar, Synth, Drums: Shawn Wiseley
Guitar: Matt Miller
Guitar on SNLUTE: Kev Rogers

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dr. feelokay Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

another philly emo band.

not a real doctor.

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